THE HYMEN
Once upon a time in the far away land of Ayogunle. Alake is very happy. It is her wedding day. After the merriment and celebration, she was led to her husband's house...
Representatives from both families and a few well wishers wait outside the mud hut to witness the outcome of the 'virginity test' ('Ibale Iyawo', as Yorubas call it). Alamu is to have intercourse with his wife on a white piece of cloth and the evidence of Alake's virginity will be the staining of the cloth with blood, from the hymen.
Alake is scared. She has never done this before. She has heard it is a horrible, painful and bloody experience. Her happiness was quickly replaced with trepidation.
Alamu pulls her close with admiration and reminds Alake that he loves her...
After the intercourse, he sees no blood and his just-declared love turns into anger. He pushes Alake away, turns deaf ears to her pleas and her constant swearing by the deity of the land that she has never been 'touched' by any other man. He takes the unstained cloth out to the waiting crowd.
"She is worthless. I did not meet her whole", he yelled at the top of his voice, unfolding the cloth for all to see.
"Haaa! Eemo!", shouted the crowd in disbelief.
Alake's family looked downcast, their daughter has let them down.
Alake soon became the talk of the village. She cried till she had no more tears to shed. She was covered with an aura of shame wherever she turned. A lot of things went through her mind:
"Will Alamu ever accept, respect or love me again?"
"Was I raped and never knew about it?"
"Is something wrong with me?"
"Am I barren?"
"This is really the end of the road."
Many questions, no answers. She considers suicide but decided to leave the village for good instead.
The story is set in the past and many communities (maybe all) have grown leaps and bounds away from that practice but the misconception about the hymen still exists in some societies and cultures. Some men who have had previous sexual experiences require their wives be 'Virgins'. Many relationships have turned sour because though a lady had previously stated she was a 'virgin', the man did not find the proof- the bleed. Some women live with this shame throughout their marriage though they truly never had sexual intercourse before marriage. Lifetime trust and faith in a partner is tested and lost in just that singular event.
The flip side of the story is that interestingly, some men would rather not date or have anything to do with a woman who has not had her hymen 'penetrated'. I have heard some say it.
The hymen really is a membrane that surrounds or partially covers the vagina (Wikipedia may be a good place to start). It is as variable as can be- from none to complete covering, and its tear and eventual bleed during sexual intercourse is not an evidence for virginity. A complete occlusion will require surgery because it prevents menstrual flow. It can be torn by other activities such as sports, tampon use etc. With love, lubrication and going slow, the first time may not be bloody at all. Intercourse is meant to be enjoyed by both partners not feared. So yes, the hymen may tear after having sexual intercourse a couple of times.
So did I hear someone ask, 'how do you then know she is a virgin?'
Thanks for that question. The answer is very simple:
"The same way she knows he is a virgin".
Not trusting a partner or not being able to deal with his/her sexual history is way beyond the scope of this post.
Stop the shaming!
Crush the myths with knowledge!
This is knowledge, what you do with it is left to you. The intent is to educate not to set moral rules.
*Inspired by my thoughts after the Duke Muslim Student Association Female Sexuality Education Event.
First posted on my Facebook page March 31st 2016
(c) Bilqees 2016