Marrying Up

Some men have discovered a beautiful rule of marriage: Marry Up!

It is fine when this is said in jocular flattery of a spouse ('I married up'). It may be as a result of the article that suggests children inherit intelligence from their mothers. Also, they may have heard it in speeches from some powerful and successful men. I recall hearing it recently on an episode of a popular TV show in which the host had used the term in conversations with his contestants. Sometimes, it is not a joke at all and inadvertently turns into a trap for women.

Often, I have observed a trend in stories of strong and successful women, which mostly goes like this: A man sets out to find a woman who is beautiful inside-out, intelligent and driven to succeed. A woman with a potential of being not only a great wife or mother but also a citizen of the world- with a purpose and making strides in a chosen career or business. In some cases, it starts with an introduction from the family or friend of such men. Of course, the man then puts up an appearance of a perfect gentleman.

The facade topples when the woman falls in love with him. They start a relationship or get married and then he begins to see conflict, competition and his insecurities begin to show. In an attempt to save his ego and be in absolute control, the abusive phase begins. The control is sought with force because, in the true light of things, responsibilities such as time and finances are shared by both of them sometimes weighing more on the woman. The abuse could be emotional, physical or even financial- where the wife despite contributing equally or a higher percentage of the couple/family's upkeep is deprived of the freedom to spend, as little as a dime, without approval. He ends up bringing the woman to her feet, draining out her self-love, self-esteem and in some cases snuffing out her life like she's irrelevant in the larger picture of life.

A good analogy is to imagine that a man purchases a book about 'Marrying Up'. He only cares to read the preface of the book, the one that discusses the benefits of 'marrying up'. The section that talks about having a near-perfect life with confidence, financial balance, raising beautiful and intelligent children plus the jealousy of peers wishing for that kind of life.

Wish he reads the chapters, like:

1. Preparing yourself to marry up

The chapter which asks questions such as: Are you up? How far up are you? What do you have to offer? How do you get up?  Are you ready to move up? Are you OK with remaining 'low' compared to her? These questions need to be answered honestly and shared with the woman, with no paint brushes applied.

The woman is a high achiever, may even be high maintenance but she is able to maintain herself without him in the picture. She most likely didn't request to be his, even if she did, she need not change her value, life purpose or sacrifice her life for the man's ego.

2. Your Responsibilities in the relationship

Marrying up does come with responsibilities that you need to be familiar with. By virtue of her social, career or business needs, she may have late meetings, travel often or even have the night shifts. As a partner, you may have to stay home with the kids when she's away for work or pleasure. You may have to wake up in the middle of the night to nurse your child. You have to be an engaged partner. Even if you have a full-time, live-in nanny, those situations may still arise. You may need to be her chauffeur on multiple occasions and she may need a break to treat herself to a day or night of relaxation alone. Are you comfortable with playing the role of such partner?

Remember, without you, she's got everything but a companion. So a lot of things that traditionally may appeal to other women do not appeal to her. She needs to be able to count on your support in a way that is meaningful to her.

3. How Brave, Powerful and Successful women think

She is 'up' because she dares.It is because she understands her weight and value, so even though she is humble, don't misinterpret that to mean she is oblivious of her power. She is a trailblazer, she leads others and she does not dwell in fear. Any attempt to force her to bend breaks her and your relationship crumbles along. She thrives better with information, communication and reasonable decision making. She is watching you closely. She has her opinion of you and you should care to listen and not try to be defensive. Like an elastic band, she is able to stretch to accommodate you but she has an elastic limit. If she is not overwhelmed by emotions and sentiments and is able to consciously choose between your excesses and her peace of mind, she'll always choose the latter.

4. Just like you; her need for Appreciation, Respect, Kindness, Independence, and Support

No! These are not attributes only men care for. A lady who is 'up' have a need for those as well. They make her feel valued and give her the impression that her sacrifices- truly, she makes sacrifices daily- are worth it. Look out for the sacrifices and if you are short-sighted, find out from her or those around her.

Don't erroneously think that kindness is something shown to people of lesser abilities or poorer life circumstances. No! She is 'up' but appreciates kindness.

5. How to sustain your relationship or marriage

You have Only Two. And your answers in #1 above will help you set the foundation for the choice you make.

One. You rise with her and run together. She will lovingly take your hand and appreciate your partnership on another level.

Two. You maintain the status quo without any bad feelings. Remain happy knowing though she's ahead, she loves you.

Most men tend to go for a non-option which is to pull her down. That neither sustains either partner nor the union or relationship. Don't try to break her, if you do, you will end up crushing not only your union but also yourself and every other relationship built on the foundation of your partnership.

If you can't help to keep her up, or help her rise higher, leave her alone, don't pull her down.

6. The dynamics of a powerful couple

'Marrying up' require some responsibilities on which your marriage thrives. Figure out what she needs, fulfill them and you will be amazed at how fruitful your journey will be.

So I encourage you to read on, read till the very last page.

Learn how to treat your kind of woman right. Don't be that man who destroys a gift to the world. If you genuinely feel like you don't deserve her, you are most of the time right.

Don't approach her.

(c) Bilqees 2017